It has been a while. The kind of time has elapsed where life seems to move on, but my life hasn’t seemed to develop the way I wish it would. I was unemployed for a month. I have been living alone for three weeks. I currently have, in my house; two cats, one rotten banana, many photos, an intense amount of cat fur and a whole lot of regret and anxiety.
Look, I’m not seeking attention. I’m not trying to extort sympathy. Despite my success at obtaining a new job, having an apartment I love and being so beautifully supported by family and friends, I feel so, extremely lost. The things that were once important to me now feel invalid. The emotions I used to have are now nullified by a pressing desire for fulfillment. I am still fighting for happiness.
But what is happiness? Is it a life filled with social adventure and friendships? Is it the constant aspiration for success?
At work the other day, one of my fellow employees asked me what I thought the definition of success was. I answered as simply and as honestly as I could “To find complete serenity and happiness.”
And that is the truth. I don’t believe success is the person who has risen from a poor family to a six-figure salary. I don’t believe it is marrying one who will provide a lifetime of the latest gadgets and fashion. I believe that success is purely the act of having achieved happiness.
This conversation made me query what success is, as defined by my aspirations. I love film. I love design. I love fashion. But, should I become a professional production designer for a film, will I consider myself successful? Perhaps it is more than that? I also love children. What if I cannot have the career I desire and the family life that emanates my upbringing? I implore you: what is your idea of success?
Honestly, I do not know the purpose to this post. I don’t know if I am seeking an answer to the big existential question of the purpose of life, or if I am simply ranting in an attempt to understand my own doubts. What ever the reason, I am sure of one thing: Life is messy. Life is purposeless in the eyes of mere man. Life, as God intended, is fleeting and a complicated and frustrating test of will and man power – a transition to something more pure and more fulfilling than we humans can bear to understand.